The healthy side of Boundaries

I was reading last night a short meditation from the "secret diary" of H. Nowen. The topic was boundaries. For a long time I have been "too" open, too wiling to please others at my own expense, hoping that in exchange I would receive some caring or acceptance which are related to one of my core wounds. So, I went through life with a very foggy definition of boundaries, not respecting other's boundaries and not knowing how to set boundaries around myself. Many people came and took from me things, time, emotions, thoughts, self respect, and then left, leaving me unhappy, needy, and resentful.

It took many decades to come to the realization that no one can really meet my needs. That the only true satisfaction for my needs lies in the very core of myself, that part that is in touch with God. Even my ego needs to go there to get some satisfaction once in a while. But the only way I can define and locate this core is if I set boundaries around it. The boundary defines it, just like a border around a territory defines a country. No border, no country. No country, no identity. No identity, no ability to find satisfaction and connection. It never occured to me that having an amorphous core without clear boundaries was robbing not only me of what I needed most, but was also robbing others of what I am supposed to contribute to life.

God says he is a jealous God (read the fist commandment); but jealousy cannnot be expressed without first setting boundaries; without first defining some property rights over something contained within clear boundaries. So God defines us as "his people", and everytime we turn around and give our love, admiration and respect to someone or something other than Him, he will get jealous and dissapointed (read Exodous, Ezekiel, or Matthew). So God sets boundaries around us out of love. He wants us allof us to be his people and live like his people. He says that we are his special creation. He pured so much love into people that he went to the extreme of becoming one of us and dying for us to confirm his boundaries of love. He really wants us to be his nation, and so he has drawn clear borders and has drafted a clear constitution. Jesus talked about this nation under the name of the kingdom of God. The jealousy of God teaches me that he will do whatever it takes to protect that which he loves, and the fist step is setting boundaries.

So, last weekend for the fist time in my life I set some boundaries around my self. Like God, I did this out of love. These boundaries separated my wife and I from the rest of the world. I understood that this was one of the meanings of she and I "becoming one", that the initial boundary was one who would protect and define our relationship from other relationships. That we were called to love one another in a unique and exclusive way, so we could find together the common purpose that builds upon the purpose each one of us had before our marriage. I didn't know this was one of my main responsibilities in my marriage. So, instead of the inclusiveness and openess we had before, were some individuals were getting "too close" to us as a couple, I drew some boundaries that necessarily create a space and exclude others from the efforts I am making to build my relationship with my wife.

Am I creating separation from my community with theseboundaires? Not at all. I am defining our core as a couple so we can bring with more clarity and focus our contribution to our community.

More to come...